Habit

Ok... so yesterday I made a really long post about something major that happened between L and I.

Whilst it was therapeutic to get off my chest, I'm paranoid someone will find this and guess so I've deleted it.

Plus, it was getting to the length of a novel.

For some reason though I'm still compelled to just tell someone. Anyone. A third party, just because. Spew it all out.
 

Yep

Depersonalisation... Whenever I try to explain it to people they always look at me funny.

I once tried to explain it to an ex of mine and he simply said "oh yeah I get that all the time, it's called brain freeze" -_-

The above picture shows exactly what it feels like.

A real time out of body experience.

Your body stuck on autopilot, carrying out the motions of everyday life yet your conscesiousness decides to strap itself into a cinema seat and watch on in third person.

It's like your mind detaches itself from your body and you try to swim through a thick fog trying to connect back and sync with your body so you can regain control of the current situation.

Unless you have experienced this for yourself, the general population will find it hard to truely grasp the idea of what it feels like to lose complete control of your body and watch on in third person. And there's not one thing you can do about it. It's fucking bizarre.

It was only a few years ago I finally discovered the proper name for what I was feeling. Depersonalisation and derealization.

Years of searching "I feel like I'm not really here in the present", " I feel like I'm dreaming but not" and alike on Google never brought anything up. Only one fateful day I found a Wikipedia entry and as soon as I read the description I had that "a-ha!" Moment. I finally knew what I was feeling and wasn't the only human being who went through this.

I also later learnt that it is the minds defence mechanism in coping with anxiety and panic attacks which makes sense. I had mild to severe anxiety attacks almost on a daily basis shortly after my first ever experience of depersonalization. 

The first time I remember experiencing this feeling was in 2001. Our year 7 to 9 disco held at the local community hall. I was in year 7.

The evening began at my best friends house, who lived close by to the hall. I will call her 'L'.

We got ready together and a few other friends came over as we decided to walk over there that night.

We preened ourselves to the max, giggling and laughing like typical annoying high school girls. We made sure our outfits were hot and short, but not too short - we weren't like that. We left that to the "popular" girls.

I even remember what I wore.

A short yellow tartan miniskirt from Supre, a deep purple turtle neck with no sleeves and a thick white studded belt that pretty much slipped over my hips to the floor if I let it and of course, white and pink skate shoes. That was the thing back then. You weren't anybody if u didn't wear minis with skate shoes.

I felt like a tart, and I liked it.

We all walked down there and stuck together in groups eyeing each other up.

As the night went on everyone started to  finally relax and dance.

I remember the room only being lit by laser lights, a tacky disco ball and flashing multicolour strobes.

The music was so loud I even thought it was a bit much for a lame little year 7 disco.

One of the girls from the year above was befriended by our group, we were all standing in a circle, shy-dancing to the loud early 2000's techno beat when all of a sudden my body began to vibrate. I felt nauseous, I felt like I was floating, the vibrations from the music became too much, my body became numb.

It felt dreamlike with the dark room only lit by bursts of multi colour. I sat down on one of the chairs of to the side and our older friend asked me what was up. I said "I feel really, really weird. I feel like I'm not here, I think I have a headache" she looked at me funny and then responded, "it's okay just get up and keep dancing".

For a few minutes I sat still and tried to shake off that feeling.

I stood up and explained to our friend it must've been the really loud music which was vibrating the walls right through to the thick carpet that was giving me a headache.

I vividly remember standing in our circle whilst my friends continued to dance, pinching my left wrist and then digging my fingernails in to my skin to see if I could feel pain and bring myself to the surface. I couldn't feel a thing. No pain.

I was confused, I didn't know whether I was dreaming, whether I existed, whether the current situation, time and place was really happening. Everything felt surreal and fake.

After a few more minutes my brain snapped out of it and I was able to continue on through the night without any further incidents.

I did feel a little shaken for those few minutes I felt I wasn't in control of my body but it was only the beginning of more frequent episodes.

In hindsight, I think I am one of the very very very lucky ones. I have not had this feeling for near on 7 years and when I did experience it, the episode only lasted a maximum of 20 minutes. 

I've read people can have an episode that carries on for days or weeks on end. I'd hate that. It's bad enough when you feel you have absolutely no control over your body for a few mere minutes.

Here's hoping I never experience it again. 

Meepmeep

Ok Ok Ok,

...With my refreshed enthusiasm to start this, properly, again I need to go back a little, but first..

I prefer to look at my blog as an open journal, I just don't have the time or patience to do some who-ha la-di da fashion or beauty blog.

This is purely for my own therapeutic ranting, raging, purging purposes.

Much like the time I was part of a fairly small forum that was a spinoff of another forum which was heavily moderated. It had a journal section where you had your very own thread and you could write whatever the fuck you wanted. I loved that.

I was there when I was roughly 17-19, one or two years later it was completely dead and now no longer exists.

Unfortunately, I never saved my 28 page journal which I'm kicking myself for, I'd love to go through it.

A lot of it though was typical teenage whinging and ranting about A, my ex, briefly mentioned in my earlier posts.

2014 was seriously one of the most fucked up years of my life to date, the only saving grace from shooting myself in the head was the birth of my son. That's it. There is not one other highlight from that year I can think of except for him.

In comparison 2004, was one of the the best year of my life to date - it was just awesome. Sweet sixteen. The year of house parties, running amuck and just generally not giving a fuck. Even over turning 18 and legally being able to drink, go clubbing and what not - being sixteen was the best.

I always have that moment where I think to myself, if in 2004, someone said to you "in 10 years time, you'd be experiencing your worst..." I would've shrugged it off and laughed.

There's a lot of points I want to go over but I want to save them for separate posts which will take a while to write out.

One thing I do want to go back to is rant no #1, not specifically relating to the shittest year ever but just in general.

- When people become to good for you now they're popular.

Going back to said forum I frequented, there was this one girl who was one year older than me, always got along, posted occasionally in each others journal, giving advice and what not, just friendly banter.

I even by chance bumped into her in Myer whilst shopping in the city a little while later.

Time went on, forum disbanded and then I see she created a blog, one which is fairly successful now.

I then came across her Instagram and left a friendly comment, just a hey, I remember you from ... forums, liking your blog..blah blah blahh happy face.

What did I get? Deleted. Pfft.

Fuck you too, snob.

Humm

Wow. I cannot believe I still have this blog, finding it was a result of my current reminiscing/nostalgia of the internet.

A LOT has happened in 5 years, as in... I have a 4 month old son, with L.

But this ain't going to be no 'mummy blog'.

Hopefully I will be able to update it in quick succession.

peaches

i want to avoid saying life is shimmery because something bad always happens. But it is better with new boy. I miss having no money but I'll sort that out soon. I miss reading glossy new books, library books just aren't the same.


Because I have nothing more to add..


1. What time did you get up this morning?
7.30


2. Diamonds or pearls?
Diamonds


3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Alice in Wonderland in 3D


4. What is your favourite TV show?
Weeds, Skins, I.T Crowd, Cougar Town


5. What do you usually have for breakfast?
Vegemite with floppy cheese on toast plus apple and mango juice pretty much the same thing for the past 20 years.


6. What is your middle name?
Christina


7. Favourite food?
Salt and pepper squid when done properly, fried rice.


8. What foods do you dislike?
steak, oranges, carrot cake


9. What is your favourite chip flavour?
smokey bbq


10. What is your favourite song at the moment?
Yeasayer - Ambling Alp


11. What kind of car do you drive?
a shit one


12. Favourite sandwich?
lettuce, avocado, cheese, bbq chicken, egg mayonaise


13. Favourite sport to watch?
don't like watching it


14. Furthest place you are sending this?
do not know


15. When is your birthday?
september


16. Favourite flowers?
lillies


17. Are you a morning person or a night person?
both


18. What did you want to be when you were little?
a professional iceskater or rythmic gymnast, never got around to doing either one.


19. How are you today?
bored and hungry


20. What is a date on your calendar you are looking forward to?
19th March, partytime, 22nd March boys 21st


the end.

I'm Back Again

I suppose I should explain my absence. A and I broke up, 6 1/2 years down the drain.
To put it simply, I didn't want to be kept around as 'backup'
I didn't want to fight every.single.day over nothing anymore


I discovered a whole range of interesting things about him that had happened the entire time of our relationship. I decided to end it there and then which has resulted in the end of his friendship with most of his friends, glass bottles smashed against cars and snarky jabs through text messages and facebook. The more I think about him, the more I hate him. I'm starting to feel human again.

fuck this shit

i'll update this again when i don't feel like repeatedly stabbing a pen in my eye.

i thought i knew you well, so well

I'm so happy my new-old film camera works fine.

















Still need to figure out how to work the speedlite properly

making rib cages into coffee tables

I've always been hesitant to start a blog for some reason perhaps fear that my writing isn't good enough. But I need somewhere to ramble again as I once had an online journal but that was on a private forum. I guess it's about anything really.

I've managed to get two weird movies in this week. The first was on SBS called 'Visible Secret' which was mainly about a girl (played by Shu Qi, who I might add is hot!) who sees the spirit of a decapitated man that was pushed under a tram, it then goes after anyone that thinks has done him wrong. For some reason I thought the movie was made around 95' - 96' given the clothing choices to my surprise it's kind of recent 2001. And to give me creeps even more SBS decided to cut short the movie right after the dramatic build up near the end. Faced with a blank screen for a minute before 'Weak or No Signal' appeared.

The other I only saw bits and pieces of last night on GO! The Satanic Rites of Dracula. I would like to have watched it all the way through but I fell asleep. I've made a list of movies that I'd like to see, some I've heard are just plain weird or intensely disturbing but I love movies that are just a little bit different.

So far...

Elephant

Towelhead

Les Diaboliques

Funny Games

Valley of the Dolls - I hated the book I felt like slapping all of them! I hope the film redeems it.

Sylvia

A Ma Souer

2010: Space Odyssey

Kids

I'm sure I'll come across some more..